The non-Bollywood buff is back again to review an absurd Bollywood movie for your entertainment. I’ve heard Ajnabee is a popular movie, but I honestly have no idea about the plot. Let’s hope that this one surprises me!
1. They’ve tried to make the intro like a Men In Black movie, and they’ve…not been successful.
2. Kareena Kapoor and Bobby Deol run into each other at a mandir, lol, this is the sanskari meet-cute of Bollywood!
3. Okay, then she also runs into him at a dargah AND a church. This isn’t a meet-cute anymore, it looks like he’s stalking her.
4. And now he’s chasing her after the church ceremony. And he follows her home!
5. LOL, turns out she took his umbrella and he wanted it back. What a twist! *sigh*
6. Kareena Kapoor aka Priya’s father tells him to drink rum instead of chai. I feel you, uncle! But apparently, sharaab doesn’t ‘suit’ our sanskari Bobby Deol aka Raj, whatever that means…
7. Okay, so the rain has stopped and Raj leaves. And Priya…is blushing after she closes the door behind him. *facepalm*
8. Priya is watching him play polo now… so she’s stalking him now?
9. Okay turns out Priya’s father is the chairman of the Polo Club, and he straight up offers Raj the job. If only my life was this easy!
10. Raj suggests that he and Priya get married literally within FIVE minutes of their first date. WTF?! At least wait for your order to arrive, bro.
11. And instead of saying “wtf man, I can’t marry you, I literally met you yesterday”, Priya breaks into a song-dance. Sigh.
12. And by the time the song ends, they’re getting married and on a plane to Switzerland. Moving fast would be an understatement here.
13. And when they reach their new home in Switzerland, they’re welcomed by two Indian couples with flowers. Because Indians are everywhere, no?
14. Johnny Lever’s Bengali accent is not convincing at all.
15. They turn a cooking session into a romantic scene and now they’re singing and dancing in the meadows of Switzerland where Priya’s wearing a mini skirt in the cold.
16. And enter Bipasha Basu, who meets Raj after he almost runs her over. This movie had a very strange way of introducing two characters.
17. Okay so Bipasha Basu aka Sonia is married to Akshay Kumar aka Vicky, and they’re now neighbours to Priya and Raj. And Raj OBVIOUSLY has the hots for Sonia.
18. Vicky and Raj are now jogging together and Vicky tells him about a ‘deal’ that will make Sonia and his dreams come true. Sounds super shady, if you ask me.
19. Vicky talks about how much *fun* it is to share and exchange their food with each other. Is this an innuendo?
20. Raj and Vicky just make a wife-swapping joke and it is REALLY not funny.
21. The wife-swapping joke revealed the plot of the entire movie… I’m guessing the men are going to fall for each other’s wives.
22. So Johnny lever’s glasses fall off and he ‘accidentally’ kissed someone else’s wife. Is this supposed to be funny?
23. Vicky walks up to the bar and orders “two scotches for us and two soft drinks for the ladies”. *eyeroll*
24. The men catch themselves “accidentally” hugging each other’s wives. Accidentally. Sure.
25. So Priya and Raj are driving to somewhere and this time Raj actually hits a biker on the road. PLOT TWIST: The biker is Vicky!
26. Oh no, Vicky is lying unconscious on a bed and his wife is suddenly sanskari and wearing a salwar kameez and sitting by his side. Doctors said that they’re going to keep him under observation but Johnny lever thinks “yeh oopar jaane wala hai”
27. I know that Jonny Lever and his Sardarjee sidekick are supposed to be comedy devices for this movie but their jokes are TERRIBLE and not to mention insensitive.
28. Priya and Raj have come over to visit Vicky and just as Priya says “I’m sure he’ll be fine soon”, Vicky suddenly comes out of his room looking very sick and falls off the stairs. It looks like he might be having a heart attack.
29. From having a heart attack, he suddenly starts laughing hysterically…What. The Actual. Fuck? This is REALLY not funny! Apparently, he staged the entire accident as well, in order to cash in on some insurance money so that the four of them could take that trip to Mauritius. WHAT?!!
30. Nobody thinks that this was an outrageous stunt and the next thing we know, they’re all vacationing in Mauritius together. WTF?
31. In Mauritius, Vicky greets a woman and tells her “I’ve missed you darling” and they go out on a date. Something’s definitely suspicious.
32. Raj catches Vicky kissing this girl on the lips and is totally chill when Vicky says “She’s just a friend from college.” Sonia hiding behind the tree and spying on him is kinda pathetic, tbh. Just grow a spine and confront him!
33. Sonia jumps into the water and fakes drowning till Raj goes to rescue her. All this just to get Vicky’s attention? Come on, you’re better than that, Sonia! Now she’s doing a seductive song-dance for Vicky while giving Raj the sexy eyes the entire time. Uh-oh.
34. Okay, now Sonia is full-on hitting on Raj. Vicky catches Raj staring at them and is totally chill with it. What is happening here? Are they one of those progressive ‘open’ couples?
35. LOL, seems like Raj is the only one who’s offended by this entire scenario. He asks Priya to pack up and head back to Switzerland.
36. So Raj and Vicky continue their cold war back home. Poor Priya has no idea that the fight was about Sonia, who visits Raj at the Polo match to apologise.
37. How the fuck does Vicky find himself being crushed under a car again? Of course, it’s Raj who comes to his rescue. Now Vicky’s all ‘can we be BFFs again, pleeeeease?’ And all’s well in paradise! Next thing you know, they’re all celebrating Vicky’s birthday together.
38. Raj and Vicky are utterly wasted after the party and they’re giving me homo-erotic vibes, tbh.
39. Okay, forget that VICKY JUST ASKED RAJ TO SWAP WIVES FOR THE NIGHT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Did anybody ask if the wives are okay with this? Sonia might be down for sleeping with Raj, but what about Priya?
40. Turns out Priya is totally chill with it. She tells Raj the next morning that she obliged Vicky because it was his birthday but “yeh roz roz nahi chalega“. What?
41. Raj cannot handle what Priya just says and goes out for a run. When he returns, there’s police outside Vicky’s house. Turns our Sonia has been murdered! OKAY, THIS MOVIE IS OFFICIALLY INSANE! Wait, was Raj the one who murdered her?!
42. OKAY HOLD UP! Turns out Vicky didn’t sleep with Priya! He told her that he and Raj were at the airport, drinking all night. While he conveniently left Raj to sleep with his wife. I know what’s happening. Vicky orchestrated this whole thing so that he could murder Sonia and pin it on Raj. The police obviously arrest Raj.
43. Hooooly shit, Vicky asks Raj to admit that he murdered Sonia in court and in return he’ll plead to reduce his sentence from a death penalty to life imprisonment. He also offers to send Priya money every year. Wow. This is so twisted. I did not see this coming.
44. Raj isn’t guilty, so why the fuck does he jump out of the window in the middle of the court hearing? What an idiot.
45. Okay, apparently Johnny Lever is the only person who knows the truth – that Raj wasn’t a murderer. But obviously, nobody’s gonna believe him!
46. Raj comes to meet Priya in secret at a church! Deja Vu, anyone? To convince her that he’s innocent, he…starts singing? And in true Bollywood fashion, she believes him, just as he’s about to turn himself in to the police.
47. They realise Johnny Lever saw Vicky leaving alone and rope him in to help Raj. Raj sneaks into Vicky’s house while the police are distracted and runs into Vicky there. Oops!
48. Raj steals Vicky’s gun and forces him to confess. Too bad nobody hears him except Priya. Ugh.
49. Raj and Priya take a road trip to track down the woman Vicky met in Mauritius, and I find it hilarious that she’s packed snacks for the trip.
50. They track down the woman’s address by asking the airline which she flew from for her personal details. Yeah right! Because airline staff will just give ANYBODY their customers’ personal information!
51. Of course, Raj’s next plan is to break into that house. Which allegedly also belongs to Vicky! This is obviously a trap.
52. Oooooh, turns out Vicky had insured Sonia’s life for $100 million! Now I won’t be surprised if Sonia is still alive and was hand-in-glove with Vicky. This is Bollywood, anything is possible.
53. Raj hacks into Vicky’s account to learn he’s going to Singapore by ship. Because it’s just THAT easy to hack into someone’s bank account! *eye roll*
54. Now Raj’s followed Vicky on that ship. And guess who’s on that ship? VICKY AND SONIA! I knew it!!!
55. Oh my god, what a twist! Sonia is actually Neeta, Vicky’s girlfriend, And Vicky used to be a drummer and Neeta a dancer at a bar! Turns out he married a rich woman aka the original Sonia and plotted to kill her so that he could cash in on the insurance money.
56. Vicky’s password for his Singapore bank account is ‘Everything is planned’. HAHAHAHAHA. When did this movie change genres and turn into a comedy?
57. And of course, Raj was recording their confession this entire time. Oldest trick in the book!
58. Guys, shit just hit the roof. After Neeta falls and dies, Vicky shoots everyone dead, except Priya. Something tells me Raj is still alive.
59. Yaaaaas Raj is alive and he manages to save Priya! And impales Vicky to death.
60. The movie ends with Raj and Priya returning back to India, but I still have so many questions! Raj murdered Vicky, how did he get away with it? And why did the gang on Indians from Switzerland tag back long to India with Raj and Priya? Either way, I have to admit, this movie was pretty entertaining right till the end! Not bad, Bollywood!
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