I’ve never seen a happy marriage, and it’s not a comment on the people around me, but marriage as an institution and what we make of it in our country. Or maybe my idea of happiness differs from others. Or maybe, just maybe, women can either be happy or attached – which is brutal – that it’s a choice. So, the idea of getting married always sounds like a settlement which only takes away whatever little liberation women have – or at least something that lessens it. It’s a compromise which only takes, and the one thing we get out of it is, a partner. The recent Koffee With Karan episode reminded me of this again – how I haven’t been able to see marriage as something that brings joy, and somehow, it still sounds like something you need for companionship.
Karan Johar talked about wanting what Deepika-Ranveer and other couples have. He was vulnerable and very honest about it. What made a difference was that he opened up about something so many of us feel, but we never address it properly. He said that he was happy for them, but it makes him feel like he’s missing out on something very important. The loneliness of not being in a relationship or a commitment, when the people around you find happiness from it, hits differently. This is especially weird when you see this for someone you actually care about. You want to celebrate their love, but then again, you want what they have.
For women, this is particularly tricky. We haven’t come very far in finding equality, but it makes a difference when we look at where we come from. So, to put ourselves in a setup which almost never brings us anything sounds like a bargain. When I say I haven’t seen a happy marriage, I mean, I haven’t seen women happy, in marriages. It’s always a win for men – they benefit out of it. This is truer for our society – where men are brought up with the idea that their responsibility is transferred from their mothers to their wives – both women.
Marriage for women means more responsibility, having to answer more people and a total turn around of their lifestyle. It also comes down to caregiving – to the husbands and the family. Since marriage mostly comes with an added expectation of extending the family, and hence procreation – it also means losing the autonomy over our own bodies. Men, on the other hand, find a caregiver in most cases – they don’t lose. Technically, choosing all of THIS means that you’ll have less of what you do now – which is definitely not how most people plan life – we plan a better future. Ideally, our only option is to not get married at all.
There’s that, and then there’s the fact that the human form needs companionship. So many of us who despise the idea of marrying a man, still want a companion. It’s not like women who do not want commitment, are devoid of emotion. The sad part is, that women can never “have it all” – we just settle for what works better for each of us. In this case, we either settle with the sexism associated with marriage in our society; in worst case scenarios, for husbands who are toxic. Or, we get to live our lives with whatever little liberation we’ve created for ourselves, but do it alone. That said, there’s no right or wrong choice between the two.
This never hit me, growing up, that I’d have to give up one important thing for another. And if that doesn’t prove how sad it is for women, I don’t know what does. It’s worse that women are always giving, emotionally – it’s always about tending to other people. So, we almost never know what it’s like to be taken care of – which just adds to the isolation.
Of course, the loneliness attached to wanting companionship and not having it, isn’t gendered. It’s also something that cannot be compensated with something else. You just feel it, it’s there and it stays for as long as you choose a certain life. The worst part is, that you mostly feel it when you see someone you care about, find something that you want as well. So, you can’t tell them, because then it would look like that you’re not happy for them, which you are, you’re just also sad for yourself. The only truth to all of it is, that there’s no running away from loneliness.
Most times, when I write, I leave with a resolution at the end of each article – for the text, but also for myself. This is one time, where there’s no capable solution, it’s a conundrum. It’s bleak, but not having control is possibly the worst feeling ever. Women already grow around this feeling. When some of us are privileged enough to find some control, we end up in scenarios where we lose it again. Choosing between companionship and liberation, is one example. So, just because our society fails us at each step, we can never know what it means to live a full life.
