Love, such a beautiful four-letter word, endlessly romanticised by Bollywood and Nicholas Sparks. But what happens when the rose-tinted glasses come off and what began as a wonderful experience turns into a nightmare? You guess it, I’m referring to the much-dreaded breakup that follows a once happy relationship.
The question we most often ask ourselves is, why did this person break up with me? Or, why do I want to break up with my partner? Well, while there is no one definitive answer, there are a number of problems or situations that most often lead to a breakup. No matter what the relationship, the ending is almost always the same. That’s why we find ourselves sympathizing with our friends post their breakup. Whether it is mutual or one-sided, I have a list of common problems that are often the reason behind breakups in a relationship.
Reasons Why People Breakup
1. Lack Of Communication
If both of you are unaware of what’s going on in each other’s life, your relationship is headed to doom. Any bond that lacks communication is bound to fall apart. You need to talk to each other and find ways to spend quality time together. If you love someone, then talking to them and communicating the problems that are arising in the relationship should be your priority.
2. Lack Of Trust
There’s no point in dating your partner if he/she doesn’t trust you or believe what you say or vice versa. This will eventually lead down a bitter road. You need to learn how to trust your partner, not just in the case of jealousy but also when it comes to making financial, career or any other responsible choices. Trust them to make good decisions, and be responsible.
3. Infidelity
Cheating on your partner is an unpardonable mistake. Also, it’s never a mistake, it is almost always a choice. Excuses like alcohol, getting carried away with the moment are just excuses. If your partner cheats on you, remember that second chances are highly likely to not work out. A University Of Denver’s study on infidelity states that 70% of partners who have cheated in the past, will cheat again. Unless you and your partner talk it out and reach a mutual agreement, a breakup is inevitable.
4. Unrealistic Expectations
Expectations always lead to disappointments. Most couples end up demanding far too much than the other can offer or deliver. This usually results in them falling apart. Setting unrealistic expectations from your partner, for example, expecting the relationship or your partner to stay the same, can often lead to a breakup. Accept the fact that people change and grow, that does not mean that they love you any less because of it.
5. Boredom
Complacency is a synonym for the death of a relationship. If you or your partner is bored and feel that the relationship is getting stale, it’s the end. However, this is a decision that should be taken after a lot of consideration. You both should ideally talk it out and try planning a weekend getaway. Even if it is not extravagant, just a simple itinerary where both of you get time to bond will help you understand if this is a dead end or it can be fixed.
6. Misunderstandings
Misunderstandings creep up when there is a lack of communication or when you give out inadequate information to your partner. It’s important to talk it out otherwise one of you is likely to hold grudges that will manifest into nasty fights. Your partner loves you and is always there to listen, you need to trust them enough to share your thoughts with them when you are concerned about a situation.
7. Bad Habits
Bad habits die hard, they say. If they don’t care about hygiene or get addicted to drugs and refuse to quit, you’ll definitely call it quits! However, if your partner shows the slightest interest in kicking their addiction, you should be there to support them and help them. If they are willing to stop then you can salvage the relationship.
8. Never-Ending Arguments
Arguments are inevitable. No two people are the same and hence there’ll always be a difference of opinion. But incessant quarrels that go unresolved, kill a relationship. Instead of having an argument over everything, why not try and talk to your partner in a neutral manner? I know it is easier said than done. But if you both don’t want to give up on this relationship then seeing a couples therapist, and bringing everything out in the open is your best shot.
9. Jealousy And Insecurities
Unwarranted jealousy or unexplainable insecurities are the root cause of most tussles. They can trigger a breakup in a relationship. Instead of festering insecurities, it is better to talk about what is bothering you and bring it out in the open. Hiding your jealousy will only give it more power.
10. Lying and Hiding
When you feel the need to hide or lie to your partner, fearing that they may not understand your side of the story, your relationship has already fallen apart. If you think you can’t open up to your partner without them judging you, then there is a huge communication gap between the two of you and you need to address this problem.
11. Unsatisfying Sex
Compatibility in the bedroom is a vital ingredient of a successful relationship. There have been numerous instances when bad sex has been the reason behind a breakup. In many cases, sex also gets boring and repetitive. What can you do about it? Invest in a few sex games, sex toys and if that doesn’t help, both of you should visit a sex therapist. If every other aspect of your relationship is great, then this is definitely a fixable problem.
12. Control Issues
If your partner likes to dictate too much or wants to have an upper hand in the relationship, chances are you’ll want to break free from his/her shackles. According to the book, Controlling People: The Paradoxical Nature Of Being Human, the minds of controlling people in a relationship have a billion checklists, and they want everything to be done in a specific manner, which they decide. Breaking through this wall may be a task. But if you honestly believe that you can put the effort in the relationship then getting a couple therapy session for the two of you and discussing the behavioural problems the two of you face, will be beneficial.
13. Finances
If one of you is a spendthrift and the other is wise with money, there will be tiffs. Finances are an important part of any bond. If the two don’t roll the same way, and cannot adjust to each other, there can be an eventual fallout. An effective way to deal with this problem is to make a budget for the two of you and try sticking to it. Starting a reward based program, for the person who sticks to the budget will make this fun and encourage both of you to spend wisely.
14. Over-Possessiveness
No matter what camaraderie you share with your friend of the opposite gender, if your partner always feels threatened, it could be the beginning of the end. There’s a fine line behind being protective and possessive and it is best if the two of you define it. However, there is no point in getting into a screaming match over it, talking about it without judgment in the open will help you clear the air and understand each other’s point of view.
15. Different Priorities
For some, their partner is their whole world, but for others, their partner is just a part of their world. When priorities are different and couples aren’t on the same page, problems may arise. You can talk about it and meet your partner midway. There is nothing wrong in making your relationship a priority but depending on your partner for all your emotional needs make become problematic in the long run. So discussing it with help get things in order.
16. Constant Nagging
Constant complaints, scolding, criticisms and sarcastic remarks usually disturb the one at the receiving end. This can sour the bond, if not dealt with in a mature way. You can discuss behaviour that bothers you and the issues the two of you are facing in a mature way, so it doesn’t seem like either one of you is nagging the other.
17. Smothering
You have a life beyond the relationship and need some space. Suffocating the partner or clinging on too much can be problematic. If you don’t give them space, they’ll walk away. You both need to develop your own personal space and have individual hobbies that you enjoy without your partner as well. This will automatically reduce the smothering as you both focus on your personal projects.
18. Disrespect
For example, insulting your partner in front of your friends will not make you look cool only make you lose him/her. Disrespecting someone is harsh and jeopardizes the relationship. When you date someone for a long time, you often begin to take the other person for granted and that can become disrespectful over a period of time. Mutual respect and admiration is the best foundation any relationship can have.
19. Being Compared To Others
Nobody’s perfect, but a part of being in love is looking past your partner’s imperfections. Constant comparison to people around can lower their self-esteem and result in a break-up. If you do think that your partner can do better in life, for their own good, then putting it across in a respectable and amicable manner should be your next step. Instead of comparing them to your best friend’s boyfriend, show them how better behavior can benefit them.
20. Abuse
Physical or mental, both kinds of abuses can scar your partner. In such situations, there is no chance for a relationship to continue for long. There is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. While physical abuse is pretty apparent, emotional abuse can often be mistaken for other things. The definition of emotional abuse is “Any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.” If you think you have experienced any of the above treatments, then read more about emotional abuse in a relationship here.
FAQ
How Can I Fix These Problems?
Though every relationship is different and so are the problems that you face in them, there are certain steps that can make any relationship healthier.
1. Communication
Talking to your partner instead of bottling up your feelings and insecurities is a great way to maintain a clean slate. If your partner knows what is troubling you, they are more likely to be sensitive about the issue. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader, so don’t treat them like one.
2. Be Honest
At the risk of sounding like a complete cliche, ‘Honesty is the best policy.’ As dramatic as that sounds, it is actually quite true. Being honest with your partner helps develop trust, which will only benefit your relationship a great deal.
3. Be Positive
Problems arise in every relationship, but taking a negative approach and talking down towards your partner is not the right way to go. Do not assume that the relationship is doomed from the start and that you are heading towards a breakup. Have a positive approach towards the problems in your relationship.
4. Be Respectful
If you are respectful towards your partner then it becomes easier to talk about your problem. If you disrespect them, then they are bound to feel attacked and harassed. So have a respectful approach, after all, this is the person you love and want to be in a relationship with.
How To Deal With A Breakup?
Breakups are hard, they are difficult to deal with and often feel like a complete dead end. But it is important that you shouldn’t stay in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship just because you don’t want to be alone. You can enjoy being alone and maybe settle down again in the long run. Here are three effective ways to deal with a breakup.
1. Surround Yourself With Loving People
Being around your friends and family who love you is the best form of therapy. Their positivity will help you get better and put you in a better frame of mind.
2. Express How You Feel
It doesn’t matter how your creativity shines, you could write down how you feel, sing it or even dance it out of your system. But expressing yourself at this point is very important, don’t hold in the negativity.
3. Cut All Contact
Yes, you can be friends with your ex, but don’t try to force it immediately after the breakup. Giving yourself some space and time to heal is very important. Blocking or unfollowing them on social media doesn’t need to be out of bitterness, it could also be self-preservatory.
To read more about healing from a breakup, read our story on how to get over a breakup.
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