I Tried 9 ‘Erotic’ Sex Positions… So That You Don’t Have To!

I write about about a lot of things. But I also write a lot about sex. And every time my boyfriend reads something I’ve written, he always asks me why I’m suggesting people try a trick in bed which I, myself, have probably only tried once. So I decided it was time to practice what I preach. Here are 9 erotic sex positions – tried and tested by yours truly. I did them for fun – and so you don’t have to try them to know what they’re really like!

1. The G-Force

I’m not a yoga girl. I’m really not. I wish I was, but I’m just not. I don’t know the S of Suryanamaskar. And why I even tried to mould myself into this position is something I still don’t get. But I did. And it was one hell of an awkward minute. You see how the back nicely arcs in this illustration above? Yea, that’s not what exactly happens. It’s a bit like you’re trying to curl into a ball but with your weight on your shoulders… Sex was honestly, the LAST thing on my mind when I was trying this.

2. Wide Opened

I have to say, out of all the weird positions I’ve tried, this one really wasn’t all that weird. Looks just like a variation of missionary, right? Well, it’s true. But you see that pillow over there under the head? That’s really helpful in getting the angle right. And you might actually want to tie your hair up for this – or all that movement is going to give you tangles you’ll be fighting for 7 days after this.

3. Reverse Cowgirl

We’re sure you’re familiar with the cowgirl (a.k.a. ‘girl on top’) position. Now it’s time for the reverse cowgirl (how original, right, I totally get it). The wonderful thing about this position? Your guy is going to love it. Mine did. And now he wants to try it every time we have sex. But my point was – there was literally nothing about this position that did anything for me…other than me getting a kick out of making this really awesome for him. I mean, he can see my butt, so he’s happy. But what am I looking at?! His penguin socks?! No, thanks.

4. The Double Decker

I love a good intimate position just as much as the next girl. But I have to say that the double decker might be something I appreciate much more while dancing in a club with clothes on – and vertically, of course.This just feels extremely uncomfortable and the fact that I had my hair open (and all up in his face) didn’t help much.

5. The Waterfall

Firstly, there is no caressing of the breasts in this position. He was too busy holding on to me to keep me from slipping because of his thrusts to do any caressing. While the thrusts lasted, I mean. He did have to stop pretty soon because I still slipped. So basically… Waterfall is no walk in the park – because walks in the park are actually easy and fun! THIS was so not. This position made me realize that I have a lot of respect for gravity and never again wish to go against it.

6. The Butterfly

The key here is the angle. But just knowing that doesn’t help in figuring out that angle at ALL. When I tried the butterfly position, all we really did was keep adjusting the angle bit by bit and he kept asking me ‘Does this feel good?’ and I kept saying ‘Meh, kinda, but more uncomfortable.’ But then I thought I sounded like I didn’t appreciate his effort so I asked him if he felt good. He was kind of ‘meh’ about it too. Too much work and too little pleasure is what we settled for in the end. So go for it if you’ve never tried the whole sex-on-the-table-while-pretending-to-be-a-student thing, but otherwise skip, skip, skip!

P.S.: Make sure there isn’t a wall right behind your head. Especially a wall with a mirror on it. It’s…not fun. No.

7. The Column

The thing about being tall is that this position is actually something I’m always willing to try and excel at. The thing about having a (much) taller boyfriend is that I can still fail horribly. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like having great, mind-blowing sex while I’m on my tippy toes is very close to impossible. Why not just simply ‘doggy-style’ it? (And that’s exactly what I thought while trying this.) You’re halfway there already, just find something to bend on, girl!

8. The Standing Wheelbarrow

Just, WHAT? I have to be completely honest, but all I could do was really TRY this one and I wasn’t very successful. I can barely balance on one leg so trying to balance on zero legs and both arms…well, let’s say, we had quite a laugh after this session. And I had a sore bum from when I twisted myself and landed on the bed. The lesson here is: if you weren’t an Olympic level gymnast in your last life, you might wanna skip this one. Don’t even try it. Also, who in their right mind would like to be associated with a wheelbarrow?!

9. Ascent To Desire

So, I would probably deny this in every other scenario, but I’ve gained about 10 kgs in the last year. And even before I had gained all this new weight, my boyfriend could barely pick me up. No, really, the one time he did (we were celebrating something or the other), he banged my head into the door frame (I’m kinda tall, remember?). So if you’re even slightly worried about being dropped and breaking a few body parts, better avoid this one. And if you really want to try it, try it as a transitional position like I did – from missionary on the bed to missionary on the couch, stopover at ‘ascent to desire’!

Images: Shutterstock