In (Not) Talking About Consent: A Person’s Arousal Is Not Their Partner’s Responsibility

Trigger Warning: The following article has mentions of abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

So many times, we boil down sexual desire to something so aggressive, that the intimacy associated with it almost goes away. Desire doesn’t have to be emotional, but even when it’s purely physical, it cannot justify aggression. Which comes down to the fact that an act of aggression during sex necessarily means lack of consent. A recent story on Reddit, where a man shared his experience of using testosterone – and its impact during sex is a solid reminder that we normalize crossing boundaries. The person mentioned, “I always had a lot of sex with my wife, but my stamina and sex drive is crazy right now [after taking testosterone] and I can’t control myself.”

Arousal is physiological and psychological, and it certainly works differently for men and women. So it’s more personal than we make it out to be. However, it’s more common to see people putting the pressure of their arousal on their partner. The intent behind expecting the partner to ‘satisfy’ your needs is particularly problematic. Every time a similar story comes into the picture, people find ways to rationalize it. In this case, for instance, the man goes to the extent of explaining the entire act – while mentioning every point which was ‘wrong’ according to him.

He goes on to say, “She told me to be gentle because she was sore from the morning. I started out slow but my desires took over.” The phrase “losing control” is thrown around so casually when it comes to sex that consent doesn’t even find space in the discourse. What it means in different scenarios is understandably out of question. It’s like our basics are so lost that expecting some, any nuance, makes no sense. Something as simple as men shrugging off the idea of women ‘not wanting it’ or being too tired for sex is just one example.

Consent simply translates to giving permission, and permission doesn’t make sense when it’s far from enthusiastic. We can easily call it ‘complex’ when taking responsibility is too much effort. But in all honesty, we cannot not know when our partner is just not there. It’s impossible to not know that a person you’re seeking consent from is not fully assigning it. And sure, there are layers to it, where a simple “yes” is not complete in its own sense most times. However, it still cannot be deemed ‘complex’. EVEN IF we deem it as complex, THAT complexity is not an excuse – it cannot be. Checking if your partner ‘wants it’ just as much as you, checking if they are comfortable, understanding the power dynamics associated in the equation and everything else that is particular to that equation has to be taken into account.

For women, for instance, this can easily get tricky – because power initially equates to gender dynamics. So if and when arousal turns into aggression, saying “no” becomes emotionally and physically heavy. It’s one of those situations where telling someone to back off sounds like the scarier thing to do. It’s triggering, but you find the easier way out. So you don’t exactly say “no” and it’s perceived as consent. Because again, taking responsibility is the harder part – even when you know that something you’re doing or something that’s happening is morally wrong.

Dumping the pressure of one’s desire is too often normalized as part of the act. It is not a part of the act. It is not even complex – it’s as questionable as this story makes it out to be. Here, the man says that he was so focused on his arousal that he missed out on checking on his partner. He ends the incident by calling it an excuse, and how he wants to make it up to his wife because she’s nice to him. To nullify the incident to something as simple-sounding as a one time mistake is as contentious as it sounds. In so many instances, abuse is negated because it’s more “grey”. We forget that abuse is still abuse, if or not its degree concerns the abuser. But it’s a shame that most times we have to spell it out.

This unawareness is particularly why marital rape is still not looked at as what it is. Our society has neutralized boundaries when it comes to consent – for what works for the abuser. So victims or their stories do not matter. We forget that sex is only that when it involves consent, anything else is purely abuse. There is nothing grey about it. So, use of force or aggression or any pressure that comes from one person’s arousal is NOT part of it. It’s not someone else’s responsibility.

The simplest trait that makes human beings more human is the ability to perceive and empathize. It’s precisely why not understanding consent makes us less of that.